“A lot of people don’t heal [from trauma], and it manifests in a lot of different ways throughout their lives. There’s a study they did with Vietnam vets who’d had—clearly—a lot of trauma during the war. Twenty years later, they measured their levels of pain before and after they showed them intense footage from Vietnam. Pretty much across the board, after they saw this really intense, violent footage from the war, their levels of pain went down. Because when trauma doesn’t get to work itself through your system, your system idles at a heightened state, and so getting more really intense input calms your system down….A lot of folks who’ve survived trauma end up being really calm in crisis and freaking out in everyday life.” — Meredith Broome
(Source: kathrynincalgary, via bad-dominicana)
“The process begins with the individual woman’s acceptance that American women, without exception, are socialized to be racist, classist and sexist, in varying degrees, and that labeling ourselves feminists does not change the fact that we must consciously work to rid ourselves of the legacy of negative socialization.” — Bell Hooks: Ain’t I A Woman:Black Women and Feminism
(Source: surethingcupcake, via bad-dominicana)
Have I ever told you that April is the best, ever?
(Source: wildgron, via formalcats)
(Source: amandaagrillo, via savemefromthebullshit)
(Source: pleatedjeans, via thisaintabout-you)
(Source: ForGIFs.com, via thisaintabout-you)
I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine, which followed from a post she made discussing a woman she saw while out in public: the woman in question was wearing a pair of low-cut jeans with a very visible thong showing. My friend was frustrated, because she felt that when women objectify themselves by wearing revealing clothing, it makes it more difficult for her to be taken seriously in her personal relationships and her professional life.
I sent her the following private message:
I saw your recent post about the young lady exposing her thong in public, and I wanted bring up something for your consideration: It’s worth considering that policing other women’s fashion choices helps reinforce the very patriarchal concepts you’re concerned with combating. It assumes that a woman’s dignity is somehow a function of a woman’s choice of clothing, which is, of course, not true. The idea that a “modest woman is a proper woman” is itself a Victorian-era holdover, when men upheld prudence and modesty as the hallmarks of femininity, while in reality, those characteristics helped men create the age-old double-standard of sexuality that allowed them to place women on a pedestal while keeping them squarely under their thumb. A woman wearing a thong only becomes objectified and oversexualized because society places that construction on her, i.e. she’s not objectifying herself, we’re the ones objectifying her, because we make the connection in our heads that overt displays of sexuality = less dignity.
I only say this because I’ve seen women in revealing clothing suffer verbal and physical abuse, both from men an other women, as a result of being shamed for their clothing choices in public. Otherwise, I used to feel the same way you do. It took me a lot of reflection (and a lot of feminist literature) to realize that I was contributing to a culture of intimidation that I didn’t want to be a part of.I sent this message with a bit of anxiety. This is a touchy subject. She clearly felt passionately about what she was saying, and there was the additional potential that she would have been upset with me (a man) for telling her (a woman) how she should interpret female sexuality. Needless to say, the potential for acrimony was high, but I felt that this was a good opportunity for dialogue, so I sent it to her anyway.
Luckily for me, she was very receptive to my ideas. Which I’m glad for: I don’t agree with everything that contemporary feminism has to say about gender relations, but fashion policing is one concept I’ve encountered in feminist literature that I’ve always agreed to be a social ill: I have seen with my own eyes how fashion policing leads to a great deal of needless, unjustified suffering on behalf of women. Unfortunately, many women have internalized the idea that a woman who dresses provocatively sacrifices her dignity as a result. That of course, is the very sort of Victorian-era morality we’ve been trying to liberate ourselves from for ages.
[*note* This isn’t a direct response to letterstomycountry, I just felt moved to use it as a jumping off place for what I’m about to say.]
I have a really difficult time articulating what my issue is with “sexy” or “slutty” clothes.
Because I absolutely agree that what you wear shouldn’t determine whether or not people treat you with respect, or whether or not you’re seen as someone who has self-respect.
And as always, it’s important to note that it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, you’re entitled to your boundaries.
For me, I opt out of sexy/slutty clothes because I get enough unwanted attention as it is. I really don’t want strangers to get the impression that I’m inviting their advances. I also don’t identify as a cis woman. I typically make it a point to wear baggy ill-fitting (often men’s) clothing, and I think twice before wearing things like short shorts. (I have to ask myself, “Can I deal with strange men today? Do I have the energy?”) I just want to be left alone man. I don’t care about fashion or looking good…I want my space. I don’t want to be treated as a sex object.
I practically dress like a homeless person and I STILL, STILL get men coming up to me all day long opening up conversation with comments about my appearance. Some of it’s straight street harassment, and some of it is guys honestly looking for a date/fuck. But rarely is it just someone approaching me like a human being, which is what I want. I want to be seen as a PERSON, not a pretty face or nice body or a hole to fuck. I don’t want to know that my face is the reason you’re talking to me. Just talk to me.
I don’t even wear make up or fucking brush my hair. But still, there these dudes are…all up in my business like they have a right to be there, telling me how pleased they are with my appearance, like I care.
In all honesty, if it wasn’t for gross dudes, I would probably just wear a sports bra and short shorts. I give no fucks.
But the reason I find myself caring what other women do is men. A lot of men have this mindset that it’s okay to openly compare women. That it’s okay to criticize how desirable I am and use other women as a basis for comparison. They have no problem saying, “Well, other women don’t feel that way.” or “Most women do it.” or “My ex did it.” or “That girl does it.” I feel like for every thing I do, say, and feel…there’s a guy who wants to invalidate me by telling me about what they think other girls do, say, and feel as if other girls are normal and I’m not.
And that’s why I find myself resenting girls who do things I don’t want to do. It’s not really about them at all, and I know it. The real problem stems from knowing that I’m being compared to them and I’m not measuring up. It’s knowing that heterosexual cis men don’t get it. It’s male privilege. Men appear to be surrounded by women who seem perfectly comfortable catering to their every desire (and even if it’s not in real life, in porn…the world seems made to please the penis)…so when a woman opts out or isn’t comfortable with something men are like, “Jeez, what’s wrong with you? Nobody else has a problem. Look at all these women…not having a problem.”
I feel this constant pressure to choose between my own comfort, and relationships with dudes. Because guys seem to expect women to not mind being objectified and they have this attitude like, “Well, if you have a problem, there are tons of women who don’t so…”
Even feminist dudes. They’re like, “it’s empowering! Why don’t you feel empowered? Other women feel empowered.”
I don’t want to wear lingerie, and heels, and act sexy. I really just…don’t want to put in that much effort. I just want to wear underwear, and sneakers, and act like myself. Basically, I wanna be like a guy. I want shit to be easy. I just want to show up as myself in something comfortable. I took a shower and I brushed my teeth for this, come on.
And I feel like I’m constantly being told that this is not okay.
Silly girl, if you want to have a sex life you have to play the part of the sexy lady. You have to be what men want or they’ll just go somewhere else.
I mean, the bottom line is this: I don’t get turned on by being looked at. That’s where the disconnect is. And it feels like guys are just like, “Why not? What’s wrong with you? That’s how this is supposed to work. I’m supposed to stare at you, and you’re supposed to get all hot and bothered.”
So it’s like…the women who get turned on by being looked at become the enemy because men use them against women like me. “Well, SHE likes it.”
It seems easier to try to control other women than to try to convince men that we’re worthwhile too, even if we don’t want x, y and z.
Like, “By golly, if I just get other women to stop doing the things that I’m not comfortable with…men will stop being distracted by those things and notice me.”
This is obviously never going to work, but it’s the thought process. It’s easy to feel like other women are doing something to you by existing because you’re constantly being told this is a motherfucking competition.
And these days I have amazing friends who like to get all dolled up and wear nice things and go out. They feel good when they do it. They feel comfortable. They feel like they’re expressing themselves, and they appreciate that guys appreciate them, and they can deal with gross dudes who come at them because they feel secure.
And I’m not trying to knock them for it. Like, good for you man. Do it up.
I just wish it was that easy for me.
But I’m not cis, so in that kind of situation I feel coerced. I HATE getting dressing up and I HATE being stared at. It feels wrong. I feel like I’m losing my identity and pretending to be someone I’m not. And when people like me like that, and think that it’s an improvement, it hurts. And when dudes come on to me I’m so-out-of-sorts that I don’t know what to do.
I don’t fit. It doesn’t fit.
Other girls fit. For other girls it works and they’re not the least bit uncomfortable.
And it’s hard not to be jealous of that.
But other girls aren’t the problem. The problem is a social set-up that doesn’t leave room for variation. The problem is men using women against each other to get what they want.
I get that now.
But whenever people scold girls for slut shaming other girls…I just think about all the reasons that go into that, and it bothers me that we ignore where that’s coming from. It’s not just that we, as a society, don’t approve of “sluts” but it’s that we, as women, are expected to construct our identities around the sexual desires of men and all women are divided into two categories based on our relationship with pleasing the cock.
What really gets me is that I clearly fall on the side of prude because I don’t care about being sexy and I hate being objectified…but I’m a sexual person. I want to have sex. I enjoy sex. I like to get off. I’m not asexual.
So…am I a prude? Or am I now a slut?
My sexuality as a woman is defined by dick and my willingness to please it…so what am I?
So in conclusion, everything is bullshit. Damn it all to hell.
Can’t I fuck guys and not have my entire life and identity revolve around cock?
PS. I swear I don’t hate you if you worship at the alter of the shween. What I hate is a society that tells women what they should, and then punishes them regardless of what they do. Damn if you do…damned if you don’t…and you better blame all your problems on the women on the other side.
“Quick story, my grandmother came to this country with twenty dollars in her pocket. She worked hard her whole life and never took shit from anyone. When she died, she had turned that twenty dollars into two thousand dollars. That sucks. You know why she didn’t succeed? Because she didn’t take shit from anyone. The key to success, and they will not teach you in business school, is taking shit.” — Nick Hendricks, Horrible Bosses
“Declaring that “life must always be protected”, a senior Vatican cleric has defended the Catholic Church’s decision to excommunicate the mother and doctors of a nine-year-old rape victim who had a life-saving abortion in Brazil… The unnamed girl’s mother and doctors were excommunicated for agreeing to Wednesday’s emergency abortion yet the Church has not taken formal steps against the stepfather, who is in custody. Jose Cardoso Sobrinho, the conservative regional archbishop for Pernambuco where the girl was rushed to hospital, has said that the man would not be thrown out of the Church, because although he had allegedly committed “a heinous crime”, the Church took the view that “the abortion, the elimination of an innocent life, was more serious”.” — Brazil Rocked by Abortion for 9-Year-Old Rape Victim: Church excommunicates mother and doctors—but not accused rapist
(Source: cocknbull)
“We don’t have a lot of time on this earth. We weren’t meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.” — Peter Gibbons, Office Space
(Source: vroomer)